well i finally wanna get rid of all this bullshit and just do stuff on my own...
so starting monday i'm gonna start going full time to GED, and get that, soon in a few days i can get my license so i can go interview a physical therapist
after GED i'm going straight to college to become a physical therapist, and all the while looking for a somewhat descent job
also i'm taking my labret piercing out for all this, i need to look unspoiled... just need to find out if it'll close up and what not, if not... then fuck :\ i'll get some jewlery thing to look like i got nothing, forget what they are called
anyways, so while i'm having dreams i may never succeed in, life is still about shitty as ever

mom is STILL in the ward, dad's STILL an ass, and oh yah, i'm back to my addiction with sleeping pills
i took 4 herbal sleeping pills and only slept 3 hours :\ been that way for the past few days...

so that sucks... anyways, that's the update for now

hmm... went to misty's for the weekend... and uh... two really short black twins who have the worst case of ebonics in the world, likes me :\ and i can't stand them for the life of me...

so that was quite insanely tormentive...

mom is still in the ward, dad's gone crazy, and i'm a bum

that's life

oy... the past... it was pure hell... won't deny that for a second... what's even worse, it's supposed to stay there... in the past, right?

well news flash :\ history repeats itself...
mom's still in the ward
dad, like he used to, is stressing and pissed and takin it out on the kids... oh but except brian isn't here anymore, so i gotta suffer the whole wrath
which leaves me insanely pissed, taking my hated and depression out on others, so it's just fucking up my life all over again...

go figure eh?

so jamie says out of all ppl i should know the up's and down's of life, the only up i've found was maggie, oh but she's been dead for a really really long time... so... there aren't any up's in this existance

should really just give up 'cause i can't seem to escape anything that i need to NOT be in...

heh... gah... it doesn't quit does it?? i have the entire weight of the world on me right now... even more so

ok, so i have no friends, and the ones i had are all married and have their own life, i have no job, nor direction in life except "unreal dreams"

oh and my mom was taken to the ER, and is being transported to the mental ward... yet again
so many memories of her going there... life was pure hell and i'm so scared things are gonna end up like they were... and i'm already in enough emotional psychotic episodes... *cries* i dun wanna deal with this anymore

why don't i just fuckin shoot myself and get it over with?

oy...

i'm back with my addiction with sleeping pills... cutting just doesn't get anything out like it used to... sleeping gives me the temporary death i need to by pass how i'm feeling

andrea and i have seem to picked up our friendship again... i'm still unsteady about it, 'cause i'm practically a bomb ready to blow up any minute whenever she talks about josh, which is a constant thing, but i told her if she pays for my eyebrow piercing i'll burry the hatchet

i still love this dude... no one knows who it is though, and it's probably better to be kept that way, a certain individual can't know either...

it's raining like crazy, if it wasn't so cold, i'd go out there and just enjoy getting soaked in it...

*sigh* well nothing seems right in life, of course it never has, wish they had a pill to coat feelings with apathy, then i wouldn't give a shit about anything